A Modest Proposal For First Lutheran Neighbor

It looks like Douglas County will become the new owners of the First Lutheran Church building this September. One idea is to move the Social Services office into it. This is causing angst among some in the hood. Why? Because, as one resident pointed out at a recent commissioners meeting, county employees will be looking in her windows.

She is so correct. My cousin worked for Douglas County Social Services for almost 35 years, so I know. I’ve seen the pair of binoculars my cousin owns. The ones she uses for, get this, “bird watching.” Right. Tell me again, cuz, what kind of “bird” are you “watching” through the kitchen window of that two-story ranch?







Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. This resident said she is so incensed, that she and her husband will be moving. And, she wanted that on the record. You go, girlfriend! Imagine the awful travail that will be visited upon her humble home when an outfit that has a membership of a mere 2.500 people is replaced by one with, uh, 75.

Why couldn’t First Lutheran just leave their building, move on down the road quietly, and not sell to anyone? There are plenty of abandoned structures in Alexandria that are doing just fine and, more importantly, not housing evil window looker-inners. Like this one on Highway 29 North.








And this one on McKay.


I don’t know who’s idea it was but the problem, see, is that First Lutheran thoughtlessly built a mere 60 feet away from the perturbed neighbor’s historic home. Or, maybe the church built first and this innocent Alexandrian failed to pace off a way more acceptable 61 feet before building her gem. Doesn’t matter. When neighbors get too close, bad things happen. Just ask the U.S. Navy.

Now, she is forced to do the only logical thing that she and her husband can do–move. If not, she is going to have county employees watching her watching I Love Lucy reruns all hours of the day and night. Or at least 8 am-4:30 pm Monday through Friday.  Babalu, who can live like that!!??

As a member of First Lutheran Church, I feel 100 percent responsible for her nightmare on (one block west of ) Elm Street. I also feel compelled to come up with a solution. Therefore, Madam, it gives me great joy to announce one: Come live with me! Bring your husband, too. He can shack up in my garage. Well, not this minute, but just as soon as I throw out my cousin and her binoculars. I will even help you move.  On the other hand, moving is cheaper if you do it yourself, as you can plainly see here…









Admittedly, my home is not historical register material like the place in which you reside…for now…..but it’s nowhere near a Lutheran church which may be thinking of selling.  Just what you’re looking for, right?

Full disclosure, my neighbors are very nosey–which is what I look for when I move into a neighborhood. See, I’m in show business and show business people are always trying to get other people to notice them.  As a result, the east window of my neighbor’s house is only 15 feet away from the west window of mine which is perfect for me, a shallow individual constantly seeking the spotlight.

But, maybe not so great for you, future roomy.  Not to worry.  I have these things called “blinds.” When they are what’s called “closed,” they can keep out unwanted leers. Even ones belonging to county employees. I am willing to use them just for you. In moderation. So, please contact me ASTP, and let’s take back your life before some sneaky Presbyterians try to pull something.

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