If you’re like me you’re going, “I thought killer asteroid awareness week was last week.”
Sorry, Bruce Willis. Turns out last week was killer hemorrhoid awareness week. We have to start paying closer attention during “various stuff that can kill us awareness week” staff meetings.
This week, NASA and other leading eggheads from around the planet are brainstorming in Washington D.C. The purpose? To outwit killer asteroids. NASA, FEMA, and other groups will conduct a drill to simulate what it would be like if a killer asteroid were to head straight for Ron’s Warehouse. Or any area within 24,901 miles of it.
And not some garden variety space rock like the 27-pounder that fell in Peekskill, NY in 1992 putting a serious hole in the trunk of a car—must not have been a Dodge.
No. More like the Chelyabinsk Event of 2013 starring a meteor streaking across the Ural Mountains. It was the largest recorded meteor strike in more than 100 years. Over 1,000 people were injured by the shock wave from the explosion, estimated to be as strong as 20 Hiroshima atomic bombs.
As a fellow earthling, I suggest you immediately start devising your own Dodge Unswerving Meteors Battle plan—or, DUMB.
Here’s my DUMB plan: Once known that a killer asteroid has us in its sites, hide behind Big Ole.
He’s obviously the closest Captain America/superhero type around here, probably possessing lots of saving the world kind of experience.
If the “saving the world thing” doesn’t seem to be happening, call the Alexandria Police Department.
For my final meal, I will ask them if I may have any of their leftover donuts. (When killer asteroids are about, I am not concerned about cholesterol). However, I am concerned their reply will be, “Leftover donuts. What are they?”
Wired.com (where I go for all my killer asteroid news) says your odds of getting killed by an asteroid are about one in a quarter million. You are more likely to die by earthquake, tornado, volcano, hurricane, flood, or eating my Mom’s cooking.
So, rest easy. Have a wonderful, killer asteroid-free week.
I’m off to Ron’s Warehouse to pick up some Preparation H.